These Questions Will Make You Fall In Love With Anyone 0 35

Fall in love - Greataholic

Come on, questions that would make you fall in love with anyone, really? Well, according to a successful research by Dr Arthur Aron of State University of New York, you could. But that’s provided you’re at least open to the idea of falling in love.

In his research conducted more than 20 years ago, Dr Aron gave a series of 36 questions (see below) to random heterosexual pairs which after answering, had to spend 4 minutes looking at each other in perfect silence. The result? One of those couples later got married and yes, invited the research team to their ceremony (*cheers*). Now, I know one example wouldn’t be enough to prove him right, but what about two? It seems to have worked with Mandy Len Catron of the New York Times. As Dr Aron puts it,

 

Whereas behaving close could not really arise outside of a long-term ongoing relationship, it seemed to us that the subjective feeling of closeness, which is our focus, might well arise at least temporarily in a short-term interaction.

Indeed, when getting close is made an explicit task, introverts became as close as extraverts. This may be because to the extent introverts do engage in social interaction, this task was precisely the kind of self-disclosure that is typical oftheir conversations

 

In other words, the feeling of love can be induced. Better, to love is something we can consciously choose.

Case in point, my own story. Many blue moons ago when my criteria for getting in a relationship were 90% physical, I became friends with this girl in high school. She was kind and probably many things else, but since she didn’t fit my beauty mould, I ignored her. Then this strange week, a series of unexpected events put us twice in situations where we had the chance to uncover more layers of our personalities. Although the answers to our questions didn’t ring many bells at the time, something in the undressing of our emotional protections made us look at each other in a different way. She now knew me, I now knew her, and for the first time physical beauty was merely the icing on the cake and not the cake itself. Our fates got sealed when later that month we spend a night talking and looking at each other in a friend’s kitchen. We made the choice to love each other and went ahead to live one of my most memorable teenage experiences.

Could Dr Aron’s experiment work? In my experience, yes. But you can test that for yourself:

The 36 Questions to make you fall in love

  1.  Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained anyone quality or ability, what would it be?
    Fall in love - Greataholic
    Source: adiaryoflovely.blogspot
  13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
  14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  16. What do you value most in a friendship?
  17. What is your most treasured memory?

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  18. What is your most terrible memory?
  19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  20. What does friendship mean to you?
  21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 items.
  23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
  24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
    Fall in love - greataholic
    Photograph: Helene Ruyter
  25. Make 3 true “we” statements each. For instance ‘We are both in this room feeling … “
  26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
  27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
  28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
  29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
  34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. Mter saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save anyone item. What would it be? Why?
  35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen

 

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Cover photo: Kristilee Parish Photography

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Dreamer, doer and recovering average addict. I am the senior editor of greataholic.com and I'm very honoured to know you're reading this. Your attention is humbling.

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Your Next Relationship Is Much Like Pop Music & The Hookup Culture 0 15

Next Relationship - Greataholic

“Today’s music sucks.” Unless you live under a rock, that’s a statement you’ve probably heard a few times.

Here’s another one: “Where have all the good men [works well with women too] gone?”

When you’re in between relationships, 2 things about the above statements tend to ring true.

  • The options on the market suck.
  • Where are all the good ones?

Well, I refuse to let you believe that in an era where we’ve greatly improved almost everything that needed perfection, your next partner found a way to escape.

What if today’s music and the hookup culture’s bad rep was simply a matter of perspective? Could it be that we’ve been looking at these things – your next partner included – from the wrong end?

Abundance Favours Laziness

Thanks to technology, it is easier than ever to create okay music and find an attractive people. Quantity has long ceased being a problem, but quality hasn’t. Why?

Quality requires refinement and refinement requires time.

While social media gets flooded with broken hearts that haven’t taken enough time to heal, music platforms get filled with people who haven’t taken the time learn their basics. With the flooding, we have less time to wait on our partners to improve themselves and less time to appreciate the few good tracks that come up, without being distracted by yet another ‘release’.

Afterall, why not when there’re ‘so many options out there’?

Well, ‘so many options’ is why we miss the blooming of a partner that just needed enough time to improve. ‘So many options’ is why we fail to pay attention to the person next door, instead of entering the worst relationships.

It is why we’ve become lazy with our choices.

It is also the trap mentality you should avoid.

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Copycats Everywhere!

People imitate what works.  And in the era of virals and hashtags, news of what works travel faster. So by the time you blink, a 1000 versions of the artsy mysterious guy, 2000 remixes of [insert song here] and 3000 versions of the entitled B-word would have surrounded you.

Good luck picking THE one.

You see, since news travel so quickly, we often don’t assess the net results of views before copying them. We copy what seems to works, not what actually works. And this reckless imitation for belonging purpose floods society with unoriginal people.

Picking a mate in such an ocean of sameness is a daunting task. It is the reason why many understandably give up, but it must not be so.

The Beauty Of Exceptionality

There’s no joy like finally finding the right barber. The previous ones become a distant memory and the tales of your handsomeness suddenly seem to have always existed.

That’s how it feels when you finally find the one.

The one isn’t the one because she/he was easy to find. Rather, it’s that sea of sameness that makes her/his value stand out. Without those layers of thick soil & intense heat, your diamond would not have formed.

Without resisting the heat of our cultural pressures, your ‘one’ would not have been forged.

After this forging, it’s important that you know what to look for. How do you know that the bit you’re about to pull is the other end of a diamond? How do you know you’re even looking at the right place?

Engineers have specific rules and criteria to answer that. Do you?

Here’s A Map For Your Next Relationship

If our time and resources were inexhaustible, we would have no need for plans and maps. The treasure hunter would need no map, the ship captain wouldn’t need one, and neither would you.

A map will help you save time in the pursuit of a suitable mate.  It will also help you save your resources and hard-earned emotional fluency for the one that deserves it.

Here’s how you can do it.

  • Make a list of 5 things you would love to see in your potential mate (That’s the full structure of your diamond).
  • Now cut 3 items off that list and keep the 2 do-or-die points.
  • Those remaining 2 are what I call the tip of your diamond.

The tip of your diamond is what you will see first. It is what you will hold onto to pull the rest out of the ground.  Literally, it means that you now only have 2 things to look for in the people you might want to pursue.

When you see that person, you will know. It may only take a conversation. Maybe a look. One way or another, once your list is clear, your diamond will stand out.

Will you pay attention?

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On Break-Ups: Forgive And Remember 0 10

Breakup Advice - Greataholic

To the one who just got dumped, forgive and remember:

That every break-up is a stone thrown at you

Some have used it to build, others to stumble and some to harm. With yours, I know you will build something great.

That hurting people hurt people

There may be more reasons to your break-up than you know. Do not replay the words. You know which words.

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That love is your default setting

Hatred is an acquired taste and it can kill a man’s soul. Only lively things give birth to life. So fight for your ability to love if you ever wish to create again. There is something only you were born to create, and there’s no way we could afford to miss that.

That I love you

As well as the many people who seem invisible to you at the moment. You’ve helped us, dropped a coin in our plate, played with us on the same team, given us direction, made us smile in the room where you were born, called us little sister, little brother. We, at least we love you unconditionally.

That the strongest blows are aimed at the strongest fighters

This break-up is an ode to your intrinsic value. It was aimed at you, because life saw it fit to test one of her best. Did you expect a weak blow? How else could she ensure only the best survive? With that knee on the ground you may not realise it yet, but life also just offered you an invitation to something greater than you. Not everyone has fully come back from a break-up. But those who have will tell you one thing: You are about to become the very best version of you. Take it a day at time, believe that it’s possible and you’ll eventually get there.

That things are not always what they seem

It may be a picture of your ex with a new significant other, it may be a social media post about some new found happiness or tales of how awful you were. Whatever you see in this period, remember that hurting people hurt people and that things are not always what they seem. Do not trust your eyes, they cannot read minds.

That success is the best revenge

If you think I’m joking, succeed and see what happens.

Forgive and remember to forget

If need be, God will avenge you. If need be, He will send that partner back to you, improved. If need be, He will usher you to someone you could have only dreamed of. But none of those is possible if you do not let go. Cry your fair share, learn your fair share, then let go… Time is a fleeting commodity and you cannot catch what has passed. There’s a reason this advice keeps coming up:

 

Let It Go.

 

From a friend that cares,

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